My attacker – my sister – was two. We were on the rug in our living room, playing with wooden bricks. And something about my work on the castle we were building together must not have been to her liking. Because she suddenly picked up the biggest brick she could see and whacked me with it.

There was a little blood, lots of tears, and my sister was hauled away to a safe distance. And, thankfully, she never did it again. Instead, like most people, she steadily improved her ability to share, negotiate, resolve problems, and get her feelings across without resorting to violence.

There were blips along the way (and I'm sure I was no angel). But she learned to be creative with others in a much calmer and more collaborative way. Which was good for my health and safety and, as I’ve come to realize, an essential part of growing up.

Sadly, not everyone at work is quite there yet.

Workplaces at War

In her new book, "Sandbox Strategies for the New Workplace," Penny Tremblay imagines work as a place where we should be able to be creative with a wide range of people, explore what's possible, combine our talents, and have fun while we’re at it. Just like children playing in the sand (or on a living-room rug).

However, we're worse at it than ever, even with many of us now working remotely. In fact, research shows we’re experiencing more conflict than before the pandemic, not less.

So, whether it comes from a sense of unfairness about flexible work hours, personality clashes in virtual meetings, feelings of disconnection – and even exclusion – within a hybrid team, or any number of other potential triggers, Tremblay says that we need to be better at handling conflict than ever before.

And her solution is to look back to childhood – to see the skills that worked well in the sandbox.

Sandbox Strategies for Conflict

These aren't skills for avoiding conflict altogether. After all, great collaboration involves working through conflicting situations and embracing different viewpoints. As well as sometimes confronting unappealing topics to find healthy, creative solutions.

My sister and I would likely have built a better castle if we'd explored our different ideas and pooled our talents. Confrontation doesn't have to mean beating others over the head, figuratively or literally.

Instead, Tremblay's "sandbox strategies" are ways to benefit from the energy created by the “right kind of conflict.” They also bid to protect everyone involved. She paints a glossy picture of children at play, engrossed in a shared activity, experimenting, negotiating, working through any problems as they emerge. All the while constantly improving their coworking skills. And she outlines eight steps to success in her idealized sandbox – brought together in the acronym, "PLAY NICE."

Play Nice!

P, for example, is "position yourself for success." You have to be in the right mental and emotional state to cope with conflict. And preparing for new challenges often means dealing with unresolved conflicts first, or you might bring lots of negative ideas along with you.

As a parent, and especially during a decade working in schools, I often saw children struggling with situations before they'd even started. They'd be worrying about a play date or stressed about a group activity, because of negative experiences in the past.

L is for "lighten your load." Deal with the emotions that are creating conflict for you, or are stopping you from engaging with conflict bravely and positively.

The A in PLAY NICE is "actively listen." How often do kids – and adults – fall out because they don't or won't listen properly to what other people think or need?

And so, step by step, the PLAY NICE approach supports enjoyable, effective coworking, where conflict can be confronted, not dodged. And it leads to what the author calls "assertive play." Not brick-on-skull assertive, or even domineering or aggressive. But self-confident engagement, where people know they have things to contribute, and stake their claim to be fully involved.

The N is particularly important for that: "nurture relationships." However old we are, it's hard to suddenly start being collaborative and creative. You need to build trusting bonds over time. Looking back, I could have done more to make my little sister feel included in our castle-building game.

Conflict: Who's Being Left Out?

So I was particularly drawn to Tremblay's theme of inclusion. Again, parenting and teaching have both taught me that conflict often arises when people feel left out.

So, as we get to grips with virtual and hybrid working, we need to see when people aren’t being involved. Where they're being are left out of decision making, or are excluded from social events. Think of the child left to look on as others play a game, or not invited to that big party.

At work, conflicts that stem from inclusion – creating negative feelings and maybe even challenging behavior – can seriously damage the performance of individuals and teams.

In contrast, getting everyone to "play nice" gives you access to a range of experiences. It also promotes a rich diversity of ideas, and keeps everyone involved in tackling conflicts together. Then moving on.

Time to Grow Up?

The sandbox analogy only goes so far, of course. Different rules apply to children and adults – along with different consequences when things go wrong. Usually, when a child's playtime is over, someone else cleans up the mess.

What's more, as the book makes clear, serious conflict – like harassment or bullying – is anything but a childish matter, and needs to be dealt with way beyond the realm of "play."

However, it feels like we can learn much about dealing with conflicts now by considering the things we learned as kids. Like how to go into challenges with curiosity; include everyone in our games; compromise when necessary. And how we can achieve great things through creative differences and keep on developing our conflict skills – even when we got knocked back (by a brick to the head or otherwise).

It may feel like a stretch to compare adult workplaces with childhood sandboxes. And, I'll be honest, at times Tremblay's analogy comes close to falling apart.

But maybe that's the point. Because, now more than ever, we all need to practice balancing difficult ideas, making sense of differences, combining several viewpoints: "digging in" to conflict, and building great things together.

A few years have gone by, but maybe I'll give my sister a call and see if we can have another go at that castle.

Listen to Our "Sandbox Strategies" Book Insight

We review the best new business books and the tested classics in our monthly Book Insights, available as text or as 15-minute audio recordings.

So, if you're a Mind Tools Individual or Enterprise member, listen to the "Sandbox Strategies" Book Insight now!

If you haven't already signed up, join the Mind Tools Club and gain access to our 2,400+ resources, including 390+ Book Insights. For corporate licensing, ask for a demo with one of our team.

About the Author

Jonathan Hancock is a Senior Editor/Writer at Mind Tools. In his own right he's published 13 books about learning, written a memory column for Reader's Digest magazine, and acted as a consultant to a number of TV shows including "Child Genius."

Before joining Mind Tools, Jonathan spent a decade in education, as a teacher and eventually a headteacher. He's also an experienced broadcaster and event host, following 15 years working as a presenter and producer for the BBC.

The post Digging Into Conflict: How to "Play Nice" at Work appeared first on Mind Tools.

Recently, it occurred to me that there's a lot of advice out there on how to give praise and positive feedback to a hard worker, but very little advice on how to receive these morale-boosting messages.

Accepting praise can make many people feel shy and uncomfortable – often because, even when we feel proud of our achievements, we don't want to appear egotistical.

Rather than accepting praise with polite grace, we'll often sheepishly reject the compliment, or even deny it entirely, changing the conversation as quickly as possible. After all, no one likes a bragger.

Responding With Denial and Deflection

This is exactly how I felt at my dad’s 50^th birthday party, just a few days after I had received my university results.

My parents were so proud of me that, on arrival, every single guest already knew my grades. As the party went on, dozens of people I didn’t know greeted me with warm, heartfelt congratulations. It was as if they were there to celebrate me!

I was baffled and a little overwhelmed by so much unexpected praise – especially from strangers!

Concerned about stealing my dad’s spotlight, and also starting to wilt under the sustained praise, I tried to deflect the kind compliments and blend into the background. I joked that the examiner must have been in a very generous mood when she marked my paper, and that I was just "lucky."

To say anything else would be narcissistic, I thought. My impressive grades had absolutely nothing to do with my three years’ hard work and dedication, I assured everyone. Pure coincidence.

There seems to be an unwritten rule (particularly in British culture) that the moment you accept praise is the moment you stop deserving it. It’s better to appear overly modest than overly self-confident… right?

Why Do We Reject Praise?

Praise can tap into many of our insecurities and worries.

Few of us wish to appear vain and immodest. We may worry that our accolade will provoke envy in others. Or, we might feel that the achievement has been exaggerated or overblown – OK, I did well, but it wasn’t that special or important!

In the workplace, there’s the fear that with praise might come extra work and higher expectations. Now that your boss has seen how competent you are, they’re going to pile on the pressure!

Praise might also reinforce the sense of being an impostor. Many people feel like they’re a fraud and live in fear that one day they'll be "found out."

Balancing Pride and Vanity

But, whatever our reasons, deflecting praise can also be perceived as arrogant, and even make our modesty seem little more than a pretense.

Imagine that your co-worker just completed an ultra-triathlon. Their family, friends and colleagues applaud them, but they just shrug it off like it was a walk in the park. Does this attitude seem to undermine the efforts and strain of the other participants, or imply that your co-worker believes that they possess the stamina of a comic-book superhero?

Finding the right balance between pride and vanity is the key to accepting praise gracefully. We needn’t fear what comes after praise: quite often, praise is simply its own reward, and respect is the only thing that follows.

Typically, it’s not the flattery itself that makes us feel bashful, but our own overthinking. If we dare to permit ourselves to enjoy a compliment, we may find it’s not so challenging after all!

Creating a Praise Culture

A major contributor to our inhibitions around accepting praise is the culture of "constructive criticism."

In every one-on-one meeting or annual appraisal, we’ve all come to expect the dreaded "but" after hearing what we’ve done well. We’re more accustomed to hearing what we need to improve, rather than unqualified praise.

How comfortable we feel when receiving recognition is also dependent on how it’s given – an announcement in front of 40-something co-workers (or party guests!) is enough to make any introvert shiver!

I’ve experienced the difficulties of celebrating achievement in many of my jobs. Having an "Employee of the Month," for example, can help to normalize praise in the workplace and generate motivation, but I’ve also seen how it can spark envy and competition.

A more relaxed approach to praise is having a "kudos" channel on a messaging platform. This allows everyone to share their gratitude toward other members with a little more intimacy and discretion.

But, ultimately, methods like these lack the impact of face-to-face praise. So, how can we accept praise in the right way?

Responding With Grace

Looking back, the affection I received at the party was humbling – people I hardly knew were showering me in admiration because they were genuinely impressed and pleased for me.

My degree hadn’t helped them in any way so there was no obligation to comment, but they still cared enough to say "well done." It was the sincerity that really touched me and made me feel like I had accomplished something spectacular.

Instead of dismissing the praise, I should have commented on how kind they were for noticing, or how pleased I was with my achievement.

Another good option is to "forward" praise – perhaps other people played a part in your success and deserve to share the attention. If you’re still lost for words, a simple "thank you" is the best way to go.

Own Your Strengths

There is absolutely no shame in accepting praise. Genuine messages of admiration are only voiced to those who have earned them.

Someone saying, "You did really well," or, "We couldn’t have done it without you," has the power to boost your self-esteem and make you feel an inch taller.

Not only do the words carry a message of gratitude and recognition, but the thought behind them shows that your efforts are appreciated and not going unnoticed.

So, the next time you get the recognition you deserve, don't hide your pride – own your strengths and try to enjoy the moment. You deserve it!

If you liked this blog, you may be interested in the following resources:

How Do You Take Pride at Work?
Getting Feedback
Celebrating Achievement
Self-Sabotage
How Self-Confident Are You?
Boost Your Self-Esteem Video

About the Author:

Alice Gledhill commissions, plans and writes many of our blogs. An Assistant Content Editor, she also makes videos and infographics, as well as handling the many requests we get to reuse our content. A restless learner, Alice is currently doing a master’s degree in media, ethics and social change. Away from work, she’s happiest when she’s spending time with friends, roller-skating, or playing Lady Gaga at top volume.

The post Accepting Praise – How to Own Your Achievements appeared first on Mind Tools.

It brought to mind my recent Expert Interview with organizational psychologist André Martin, whose book "Wrong Fit, Right Fit" encourages people to take exactly the opposite approach when developing their careers.

Writing With Our Dominant Hand

In his view, for a long-lasting, fulfilling experience at work, it pays to think carefully before applying for a job. That gives us a better chance of finding an opportunity that actually fits – which he says feels like writing "with our dominant hand" as opposed to "our non-dominant hand."

This matters for employers and companies as much as for candidates, Martin told me – and now more than ever. Here's a clip from our Expert Interview. (You can stream the audio clip below or read a transcript here.)

Martin's book is a practical guide to help people fit at work, not just "fit in." Because there's a difference, Martin says.

Fit feels natural and authentic, while "fitting in is when you change the way you do work or the way you show up at work in an effort to be successful, be seen, or belong." He calls this "wrong fit," and it feels "like a slog."

Self-Reflection Is Key for Finding Fit

To avoid wrong fit, Martin recommends embarking on eight "excursions," which he lays out in his book. These are in-depth exercises exploring personal values, motivation, goals, attributes, and more. After working through these excursions, you'll be better placed to find a job and workplace that fits.

"When talent talks about wrong-fit experiences, the thing they wish they would have done almost universally was more self-reflection before they started looking for a job," Martin observes. "So the excursions were really meant to get us to pause, take three steps back, open our eyes really wide, and ask the question of 'What are we looking for beyond a job title?'"

The Story of a Wrong-Fit Workplace

This reminds me of a former job where I was uncomfortable from the minute the workday started to the second it ended, every single day. I was a reporter for an international newswire based in a Latin American capital city. I'd been approached to apply for the job, and I took it partly because I felt flattered.

I had done none of the self-reflection advocated by Martin, and from day one, it was clearly a wrong fit in all the obvious metrics: how people worked together, solved problems, prioritized, managed time, and measured progress.

Among my worst memories of this job was the pointless presenteeism. All the reporters were required to be at their desks for 10 hours a day, on rolling start times of either 7 a.m., 8 a.m. or 9 a.m. We were covering financial markets, so most of the reporting had to be done when markets were open. When they were closed, there wasn't a whole lot to do, but we had to be there anyway.

One of my colleagues spent hours on the phone to friends most days, bending their ears about how she was still at her desk late into the evening, or there super early. She implied she was ludicrously busy, mistaking being at work with actually working.

As well as the schedule constraints, there was a presumption of incompetence that I never understood. Once, one of my colleagues was proofing an article I'd written, and he mused aloud: "You really need to make fewer mistakes, Rachel."

Startled, I asked him for some examples in the article he was reading. He could only point to a single typo. I still don't know how this gave the impression of multiple errors.

Know Your Motivation

One of Martin's excursions to find fit helps you identify the main driver for your career. He asks: are you motivated by craft, company or cause?

My job at the financial newswire would have been a great fit for someone who wanted to have a global media company on their résumé, or someone who was passionate about financial markets and their influence on economic growth.

But my primary motivation is craft, so for me, this job was a terrible fit. There was no scope for me to develop my skills, and my confidence took a battering. I left within a few weeks, with a huge sigh of relief.

My next role was as bureau chief of a U.S.-based business magazine, based in the same city. I could work from home, keep my own hours, and write articles on whatever I thought would interest the readers. My colleagues valued what I brought to the company, and together we produced some good work.

A bit of self-reflection before applying for a job can save a lot of hassle and heartache, and lead to a much better, longer-lasting fit, with zero need to fit in.

Listen to the Full Story

You can listen to or read my full 30-minute interview with André Martin if you're a Mind Tools member or if your employer is a Mind Tools for Business licensee.

If you're not already a member, join Mind Tools now to gain unlimited access to 2,400+ resources, including our back catalog of 200+ Expert Interviews. Or you can find out more about Mind Tools for whole organizations, big or small, by contacting our enterprise team.

Meanwhile, catch more excerpts and insights from my guests by searching our Expert Interview blog topic.

The post How to Find a Right-Fit Job: My Expert Interview With André Martin  appeared first on Mind Tools.

I love the way a deadline helps focus my mind. Having a deadline enables me to plan my time and forces me to prioritize tasks – so I deliver my work to a high standard and on time.

My freelance work requires me to juggle several contracts simultaneously. Without deadlines, it would be virtually impossible to keep track of what needs to be done, and by when. I'd find myself making promises to clients that I couldn’t keep. And that would be very bad for my professional reputation.

Deadlines keep me on track and they allow me to prioritize, plan and perform well. And I'm not alone; anecdotal evidence suggests that most people like to work to clear and unambiguous deadlines. It helps everyone know what's expected of them and smooths the way for more effective teamwork.

Be Alive to the Downsides of Deadlines

The problem is, deadlines need managing. And when multiple deadlines clash, managing them effectively can become problematic. We hear people say they're juggling priorities or spinning plates when they're working on multiple projects at the same time.

Oh yes, we can see them doing their best to keep all their plates spinning, desperately going from one to the other to prevent a plate from smashing to the ground.

In reality, their plates are projects or pieces of work each with a deadline. A plate dropped is a failed project, missed deadline, or damaged reputation. Working like this may be manageable, or even motivational, in the short term. But long term it can become overwhelming and anxiety inducing, and result in poorer performance.

Rather than providing focus, having too many deadlines and unrealistic time frames often leads to no time to focus on the right things at the right time. We have to spend our time multitasking, doing "just enough" on each project to get by while taking extra time to manage everyone's expectations. It exhausts me just to think about it!

How to Make Deadlines Work for You

Love them or hate them, deadlines are here to stay, so it makes sense to make them work for us, not against us. Here's what I've found works for me:

1. Set realistic deadlines and, where possible, challenge/negotiate any that are unrealistic.
2. Plan what tasks need to be done and when, in order to meet the deadline.
3. Allow some contingency for unexpected interruptions or emergencies.
4. Communicate clearly to everyone impacted by your deadline.
5. Don't overcommit or allow others to impose deadlines on you.
6. Work smarter, not harder. Skipping meals, working late, and not taking rest will only work in the very short term.
7. As soon as it looks like you're not going to meet a deadline, take action. Reschedule, replan, renegotiate, and recommunicate.

Promises, Promises

How does it make you feel when someone breaks their promises to you at work? Let down? Upset? Angry? Disappointed? Yep, I hear you!

Failing to keep promises to colleagues or to our boss can seriously damage our workplace relationships. But from time to time, despite our best intentions, we find ourselves unable to keep the promises we've made. This happened to me recently and I really hated letting someone down at the last minute.

With the best of intentions, I'd overcommitted myself – only to find I couldn't possibly deliver on everything I'd promised, when I was expected to. I had no choice but to communicate the issue in the best way I could and explain that I needed more time.

I felt terrible; I beat myself up about it for hours. And I didn't like not being able to deliver on my promise and judged myself harshly as a result. The thing is, the person I'd "let down" didn't feel let down at all. Because I was able to communicate the issue clearly and in a timely manner, and offer a solution, they were very understanding and no harm was done.

I Promised to Learn These Lessons

There are two very important lessons here for me about making and breaking promises at work:

1. We're often our own harshest critics. As long as we act with good intentions and communicate respectfully, people generally understand that life happens and are open to forgiveness. After all, who hasn't missed a deadline or broken a promise at some time or another?
2. Broken promises every now and then are an inevitable part of working life. However, if we regularly break our promises to others, we'll be seen as unprofessional, untrustworthy and unreliable. When we approach our work and our deadlines by being organized, motivated, values-driven, and honest, people will trust that we did the best we could and will be willing to find workable solutions.

You may find the following articles helpful for reflecting on your own deadlines and promises. You'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

How to Meet a Deadline

Keeping Your Word at Work

Managing Conflicting Priorities

The post Deadlines and Promises – a Mind Tools Coaches' Blog appeared first on Mind Tools.

Food is one of our most basic needs – along with water, sleep, shelter, and oxygen: the things upon which our very survival depends. These requirements form the first, basic level of Abraham Maslow's famous "Hierarchy of Needs."

According to Maslow, our physiological and psychological needs motivate our behavior and choices. Those needs progress from basic needs to more complex ones until we achieve "self-actualization" or "all that we can be."

"What is necessary to change a person is to change his awareness of himself"

Abraham Maslow, U.S. psychologist, (1908–1970)

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs is often illustrated as a pyramid, with Level 1 at the base, up to Level 5, as follows:

Level 5: self-actualization – the need to experience purpose and meaning, creativity, acceptance, and fulfilling your potential.

Level 4: self-esteem – the need for respect, self-esteem, recognition, achievement, and confidence.

Level 3: love, belonging – the need to feel wanted and that you belong. 

Level 2: safety, security – the need to be safe and secure, and to have shelter.

Level 1: physiology, body – the basic need for oxygen, water, food, rest, warmth, and shade.

But back to me working on an empty stomach... Here’s how it usually transpired. When the belly signals got loud enough and persistent enough, my brain would wander from, for example, creating a course module to a craving for bananas. I don’t even like bananas! But for some reason, they leaped to mind when I was hungry.

I’d gently coax my mind back to my course module and all would go well for a while, but then I’d imagine eating peanut butter. I don’t like peanut butter either, yet my mind was telling me what my body needed because my poor body dialed my number but got a busy signal all the time. 

Then it was a case of rinse and repeat until donut thoughts or fast food came to mind and the gentle coaxing no longer worked. I had to strong-arm myself back to concentrating on my work.

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and Physiological Survival

What I noticed in such situations was that the longer I ignored my body’s signals, the more calorie-dense the food in my intrusive thoughts became. My theory is that my body was sending me more urgent signals, trying its best to entice me with calorie-rich food in order to fulfill a biological need. 

The interesting thing is that since those years, I’ve taught myself to do water fasts. (Don’t try it without talking to your doctor.) On day three of a five-day water fast, my hunger is severe, but I can work and concentrate. 

So, what’s the difference between the situations? When I was younger, I felt I had to diet to lose weight to be acceptable. Although it was a choice, it felt like a "forced choice." 

I’ve since got my weight under control and my choice to fast is a healthy one made with free will. When I fast, I know I can stop whenever I want to, because I have food in my fridge. I choose to continue fasting.  

However, if you can’t fulfill a physiological survival need today, and you have no idea how you’re going to fulfill it tomorrow or the day after, I imagine that would take up an immense amount of your mental capacity. 

In the case of hunger, the bottom of the pyramid, your needs are unmet.

Meeting the Need for Rest

All of us have probably experienced a lack of rest. At some point, you can't think of anything other than how tired you are. You can’t concentrate, you don’t want to talk, you don’t want to eat, and you can’t plan for the next five minutes let alone the next five weeks!  

I live in a country where many people experience constant fatigue as a result of their living conditions. They live in noisy areas, the shelter their houses provide is often inadequate, it's unsafe, and they have to travel far to get to work.  

The result is that they’re often unenthusiastic at work, disengaged during training sessions, and uninvolved. Who can blame them, though? Their level-one need is consistently unmet, and they simply have no energy to be upbeat. That doesn’t mean that they lack the desire to progress, but there are more pressing needs.

Migrating Between Levels in Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs

Working with people in any capacity (as peers or team members) always confronts us with this question: are their basic needs (levels one and two) being met? If not, what can we do to support them, and how much can we realistically expect from them? Even when people's needs are met, how can we support them and what can we expect of them?  

This might not be the same from day to day, as confusing as that sounds. It doesn’t mean that I have to do a needs check with everybody every morning.

And I know that I sometimes migrate between need levels depending on what’s happening in my life. An argument with a loved one before you leave for work might impact your level three need. You shouldn‘t assume that you won't be able to operate at level four or even five, but it could have an impact.

That shows us that Maslow’s hierarchy isn't just useful to help us to understand others' behavior, it can also help us evaluate ourselves and better understand our own choices and actions. 

There are cases of people whose level one or two needs are consistently unfulfilled, yet they strive to fulfill their level four and five needs. However, because you’ve met one or two people like that, it doesn’t mean that everybody is like that. They are few and it takes an unusually strong desire, will and an almost superhuman ability to function despite the reality of their lived experience. 

I’m in the fortunate position that I often feel purposeful, and that my life, work and existence have meaning. I feel I am making a difference, even if It's a small one. And it is because my basic needs are being met, as a result of having reconnected with long-lost family, made friends where we live, and through my colleagues at Mind Tools. All the pieces of the puzzle fit snugly together, for now.

For more information on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs, see the following articles. You will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full:

Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs 

Self-Mastery 

About the Author

Yolandé uses her 20+ years of experience as a therapist, coach, facilitator, and business school lecturer to help people develop their careers and live up to their potential. She thrives on facilitating conversations designed to build bridges between people by using creative questioning and thinking techniques.

You might mistake her for a city girl, but Yolandé is an honorary game ranger, loves birding, archaeology, and spending time in the African bush. Morning runs with her rottweiler and reading are her favorite activities. She loves the kitchen and it gives her joy to "bake" people happy. 

The post Taking Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs Into Consideration at Work  appeared first on Mind Tools.

Getting a new job can be exciting, confidence-building and a little bit nerve-wracking. It means you performed well at your interview and showed your potential new employer that you have the drive, talent, qualifications, and values that they want and need. And now they want you to be a part of their team.

But, let's rewind a bit to that moment when you're waiting with bated breath to hear whether or not you've made it through...

Before the Job Offer 

Before you receive that job offer, you've had at least one successful interview and there could be a subsequent one for final candidates. Keep interviewing until you receive an offer that you like. If you haven't already, send a thank-you note to the recruiter for your interview. 

When an organization is considering you seriously for a position, it may request or require that you complete or have a successful background check, credit report, driving record, toxicology screening, immigration status, and/or security clearance. 

At this point, getting that job is becoming more of a real possibility, so this is a prime opportunity to revisit your goals and values. Be honest with yourself. How do your personal goals align with the role? Will this position fulfill what you want and need? How well do the company's values align with yours? 

Either they fit or they do not. There's no need to force them. A "forced fit" will likely make you unhappy and result in you moving on much faster than if you went for a role that really suits you. If you discover that your values don't align with the company or position, feel empowered to officially withdraw from consideration.

Otherwise, continue!

Negotiating a Job Offer

Since you know what the salary range should be and what you want, you'll recognize it when you hear or see it in a job offer. If you get to the stage of salary negotiation, don't be afraid to push back to get what you want and deserve, but be reasonable.

But, it's not all about salary. There are other things to consider when nailing down that job offer too. For example:

• Expected attire, appearance, and frequency – are there any dress-down days?
• Daily work location – will you be located in-office full time, or are there hybrid or virtual working opportunities?
• What's the work/hour mix – will you be required to work standard hours? Or are their options for compressed working or part-time hours?
• Is there any relocation assistance (if necessary)? And, if you do need to relocate, will there by a timeframe allotted to adjust to your new city/country/time zone?

After the Job Offer 

Congratulations! You've finally made it! The company has offered you the job and you have the written confirmation.  When circumstances allow, it's usually a good idea to secure a new job before leaving your old one.   

If you don't already know, ask the recruiter to describe a typical week for your role to gain a clearer view of how your function fits into the department and organization's success. Each company is different. 

Also, ask them how much time you have time to consider the job offer, and to give your current employer notice of your departure.

When you do hand in your notice, remember to unsubscribe, update, or switch your work information with any outside suppliers and contacts while you still have access. 

Some organizations conduct an exit interviews, which are a great opportunity to reflect on your previous role, and identify what went well and what didn't. Also, be sure to follow your current employer's protocols for the clean and safe transfer of information and/or property for your replacement, to ensure a smooth handover.

Leave on good terms whenever possible, even if things have been difficult in the past – you want to be able to leave with your reputation intact, knowing you did your best.

I remember one job that I resigned from... I had been butting heads with my new, immediate manager but I was still on excellent terms with our department director (who had known me longer and better), so I had no worries when it came to references. 

Don't "slam the door" or "burn the bridge" as you exit, because you may need or want to return one day. One of my former recruiters was short-staffed during the holiday season and needed some experienced help. Since I was still on great terms with some employees there and was temporarily available, they asked if I'd be interested and I accepted the offer! It always helps to leave the door open, whenever possible.

Getting a New Job: The First 90 Days 

So, you've received the job offer, accepted it, and now have an official starting date. What's next? Documentation to read, many forms to complete, and 90 days to prove you belong at the company. 

Once you know where to report to on your first day, use the following tips to prepare yourself for your first day:

• Get enough sleep and eat a sensible meal the night before.
• Plan how you'll get there – what journey will you need to take and how long will it last?
• Wear comfortable shoes for a possible building tour. 
• Dress appropriately. (Unless told otherwise, remember what your recruiters were wearing in your interview.) 
• Explore what's in the area – where could you go to grab a coffee, go for a stroll or get something to eat?
• Identify the nearest drug store/pharmacy. 
• Bring pocket-sized snacks for your orientation meetings. (Food may or may not be available and you wouldn't want to get light-headed.) 

The Admin of Getting a New Job

While you may want to get stuck in straight away, getting a new job also often comes with a lot of paperwork, which can be overwhelming. Some offer letters will provide details of what to bring with you on your first day (for example, photo ID, previous employment records). If in doubt, "bring your life!" 

• Be "camera-ready" for your company photo identification badge and remember your angles. 
• Bring identity documents, such as your birth certificate, passport, citizenship documents, and immigration verification. 
• Have financial information to hand for electronic fund transfer of your paycheck. 
• Have spouse, household, or next-of-kin info, for insurance and retirement savings documents. 
• Bring medical letters confirming special needs and accommodations for seen or unseen disabilities. 

Depending on your new job, you'll likely need to sign specific legal and other "acknowledgment-of-understanding" documents such as: 

• NDAs (non-disclosure agreements).
• Branding guidelines and intellectual property.
• Company handbooks.
• Code of conduct.
• Ethics statements.

Your human resources or in-house general counsel can interpret and explain if there's something you don't understand. If you need to verify details with family members, don't be afraid to ask how long you have to complete certain documents, and if you can bring them back later. 

Living and Building the First 90 Days in Your New Job

Your experience, skills, and personality got the attention of the recruiter and eventually landed you the job, but now you are in a new environment. There will be a time and place to apply your capable skills, but first, you must show that you are open to listening, understanding, and learning all about the culture. 

Onboarding is the process companies use to "bring on board" newly hired talent, and introduce them to their policies, procedures, rules, resources, and team. This process may include specialized training unique to the company or position.

Organizations will expect their new team members to follow the procedures explained to them. If there is a work process you've encountered and you believe could be improved or made more efficient, try the organization's method several times first before making suggestions. And, if you do make a suggestion, make sure you can prove exactly how it will save time and money.

We have two ears, two eyes, and one mouth: so listen and observe twice as much as you speak. Use your first 90 days to become better acquainted with the organization. You are a passenger on this train, not the conductor (at least not yet). This isn't the time to "showboat," it's about laying the foundation for a strong and meaningful relationship going forward.

Even if you are a senior executive, you're still new. Learn and respect the current dynamics, and appreciate those who kept things moving and who are helping you to adjust. 

Explore More Resources at Mind Tools...

If you want to discover more about getting a new job, and how to go about settling into your new role, check out the following resources from Mind Tools. (Note that you'll need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all the resources in full.)

Starting a New Job

How to Pass Your Probationary Period

Taking Responsibility in a New Leadership Role

Making the Most of Your Induction

Gaining the Trust of Your New Team

The First 90 Days

About the Author

Sonia is an experienced meeting and events manager, with over 20 years experience in conferences, exhibits, and corporate social events. She also owns a visual branding company.

Sonia joined the Mind Tools coaching team in 2021, and enjoys connecting people with resources to help them reach their goals. In her spare time, she is a photo enthusiast, who reviews products, completes store scavenger hunts, and explores nail art/design.

The post Your Career Journey Part 3: Getting a New Job appeared first on Mind Tools.

Preparation, Preparation, PREPARATION!

So you've applied to a few positions of interest and have received a couple of invitations for job interviews. Congratulations! You have transitioned from a job applicant to a job candidate.

The next big event is preparing to meet face-to-face (in person or virtually) with your prospective employer. Here are tips to get you started:

• Get comfortable describing your experience as it relates to the vacant position.
• Know the specific interview questions or topics or that are illegal to ask and understand how to respond.
• Be able to identify the company outreach effort that resonates most with you and why.
• Be comfortable discussing how the company's philosophy aligns with your values.
• Review your references to check all contact details are up to date.
• Be ready to backup your résumé claims through recruitment tests (e.g. typing speed, website design, editing or writing tasks, etc.)
• Know the industry average salary and range for the position, so you don't undercut yourself at negotiation time.
• Bring hard copies of your résumé, references, clearances, test results, and presentation deck (every document you were requested to send, including a few extras). These will also act as handy references you can glance at if the nerves kick in.
• Have a flash drive for quick electronic access or sharing.

During Job Interviews: Are You the One?

We asked the Coaching Team to share some of their memorable job interview experiences, as either the interviewer or interviewee. Here's what each had to say.

Demonstrate How You "Match" the Organization

Coach Mike Barzacchini explains how illustrating how your unique skills and experience can solve problems for the organization can help you win over recruiters...

"When I interview for a job, I try to apply my experience to what I feel the company seeks. What can I bring that adds value? How can I serve and solve? I let this approach guide my answers and my questions. Sharing a case study – a real example of how your work made a difference for a former employer – is a great way to win over a potentially skeptical interview team. It's even better if you can relate how that type of work would make a difference for their organization. My favorite advice to job applicants is to make sure to communicate what makes them excited, uniquely interested in, and qualified for the position."

Listen Out for "Alarm Bells"

Not every interview, however, is a "bed of roses." Coach Zala Bricelj reveals how sometimes the interview can unearth hard truths or even raise "alarm bells" ...

"It's when it becomes apparent that there is a reason why the employer has a high turnover and/or is repeatedly searching for potential candidates. It's those times in the interviewing process when it's clear that leadership, HR and departments are off-synch or working in their own siloed workplaces, and it all comes out in the meeting with the interviewers.

"I have experienced a few situations like this. One time they said to my face that my résumé was too good and I should be searching for a job abroad and not waste time in my homeland. Another time, the interviewer told me that the job posting was just an "official need-to-do" and that the company already had a candidate lined up. And the cherry on top? I went in for an interview that became a promotion for an MLM pyramid scheme."

Show Empathy and Compassion

Coaching team leader Yolande Conradie reminds us to be empathetic and compassionate with others...

"I always appreciated interviewees who came prepared. To me, that's someone who's done some research about the company and is able to ask pertinent questions about it. I learned not to look at appearance too hard because I live in a country where many people are poor. However, I could always see when someone has tried to make a good impression – even if their clothes were old and their shoes worn. Another reality of South Africa is that many people who use English as their business language are third- or fourth-language English speakers. I had to learn to listen past language errors unless proficiency in English was a job requirement. (Ditto their résumés. Poverty often means that people don't have money to have their résumé produced professionally.)"

Are You the Good Cop or the Bad Cop?

Coach Sarah Harvey shares how she learned that sometimes the way we think we're presenting ourselves can be very different to how we're being perceived...

"The most memorable experience for me was when I was leading a whole set of interviews of internal candidates as part of a departmental restructuring. I chaired every interview and was joined by a range of managers who would work alongside me to recruit the roles within their teams.

"People thanked us for our professionalism, and many commented on the robustness of the process, describing it as a 'good cop, bad cop' experience. 'That’s nice,' I said to one interviewee, as this had by then become common feedback, 'I'm pleased I've been the warm and friendly face of a potentially difficult organizational process.' 

"'Oh no,' they told me, 'You’re the bad cop! You ask really challenging questions and won't let things go on face value.' I had no idea I'd come across that way. And it was really powerful learning for me which I've been mindful of in every interview since. It goes to show interviews can provide a positive learning experience not only for interviewees but for interviewers, too."

Job Interview Hacks

During a job interview, it can be hard to remember all the things you want to ask and say, so here are some handy hacks to help you get the most out of the experience:

• Bring a small list of questions about the position or company. The recruiter may answer them before you need to ask, but it's always good to have a reminder somewhere of the key questions you may have gathered during your job prep.
• Check your appearance – before you leave and before the interview begins.
• Top candidates often set themselves apart because they bring genuine enthusiasm and curiosity about the role. So be sure this comes across in your interview.
• Be honest about what you can deliver, and your expectations.
• Never lie in an interview. Irrespective of what people tell you, do not "fake it till you make it." Chances are that you'll be unmasked because faking often leads to mistakes – and mistakes cost money.
• At the end of the interview, remember to thank the recruiters and note down relevant decision dates and recruitment process methods that they need to adhere to. If the recruiter hasn't already mentioned these details, be sure to ask so you know what's likely to happen next.
• If you haven't heard back, send a follow up after two to three days. Be polite and remember to thank them for the opportunity.
• Most importantly... be truthful, be honest and be yourself!

Explore More Resources at Mind Tools...

If you want to discover more job interview tips and techniques, check out the following from Mind Tools. (Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see the resources in full).

How to Prep for a Job Interview
How to Answer Interview Questions
Interview Skills
How to Ace a Video Interview
Tricky Interview Questions: Tell Me About Yourself
Tricky Interview Questions: What Are Your Strengths and Weaknesses?
Tricky Interview Questions: Why Do You Want This Job?

About the Author:

Sonia is an experienced meeting & event manager with over 20 years in conferences, exhibits, and corporate social events. She also owns a visual branding company.

Sonia joined the Mind Tools coaching team in 2021, and enjoys connecting people with resources to help them reach their goals. In her spare time, she is a photo enthusiast who reviews products, completes store scavenger hunts, and explores nail art/design.

The post Your Career Journey Part 2: Job Interviews appeared first on Mind Tools.

But we all know that self-development is critical for career progression – not to mention our sense of self-worth and job satisfaction. So we all need to find that time!

This week is Learning at Work Week in the U.K. It's an annual event designed to promote lifelong learning in the workplace.

This is what we're all about here at Mind Tools. Lifelong learning is the key to successful and satisfying careers. And for organizations, cultivating a strong learning culture is good for business and keeps employees happy and engaged: it's literally win–win. 

The Importance of Soft Skills

Workplace learning is not exclusively about gaining hard skills, like mastering a new piece of software or machinery. Soft skills are also crucial to a thriving career and an organization's success (arguably even more so). Conflict resolution, communication skills, change management, coaching – and that’s just the Cs! There's more to work than technical proficiency.

Project managers need a healthy arsenal of problem-solving skills; a good boss needs to know how to keep a team working together; leadership teams need to be able to delegate effectively. You can have all the technical proficiency in the world, but without these kinds of "soft" skills, you're not going to get far. 

A Case in Point

We regularly receive real-world tales from our subscribers on just how much of an impact mastering soft skills has on their work. Like this story from Mind Tools subscriber Sharon, a supervisor from Canada.

"I'd been having significant difficulty with staff members," Sharon said. "I was finding I was no longer able to effectively lead my team. I needed to enhance and hone my skills as a leader."

The solution? Improving her soft skills in leadership. (With a little help from Mind Tools.)

Our resources "... allowed me to focus in on my needs as well as the needs of my team," Sharon continued. "I've used a lot of the team-building tools, which have placed a focus on moving forward, not looking back." 

Top Tips for Learning at Work 

So if learning is so crucial to individuals and organizations alike, why do we struggle to find time for it and what can we do about it?  

To celebrate Learning at Work Week, here are some top tips for making time for learning.

Prioritize and Schedule 

First up: prioritize.  

You'll never find time for learning unless you make it a priority. One of my favorite of our resources is Eisenhower's Urgent/Important Principle. The 34^th U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower astutely distinguished between problems that are "urgent" and those that are "important." He said, "The urgent are not important, and the important are never urgent."

The point is that it's easy to spend all your time on "urgent" things that demand all of your attention and lose sight of the "important" ones that don't have a set deadline – like learning. To combat this, you need to prioritize your development and schedule in your learning.  

Make Time

Scheduling requires carving out time in your calendar. When we think of learning at work, it's easy to picture a laborious in-person group course, taking up a whole day of the week, or even longer. But this is no longer the case. 

At Mind Tools, we've designed our resources to be consumed "on-the-go," whenever and wherever you need them, making it easier to schedule learning into a busy working week. So it's never been simpler to dedicate time to development. 

Talking about the "bite-sized" nature of Mind Tools resources, Spencer Holt, Global Director of Leader and Enterprise Development at AstraZeneca said, "Having a tool that you can access at any time – and, more importantly, meets your development needs – starts to help us build our culture of lifelong learning."

So build time into your week to focus on learning in a way that suits you. Block out your calendar, switch off alerts, and dedicate time to the "important" – you and your future. 

Use Online Resources 

Because learning is now liberated from the classroom, you can access information online at the point of need, at an appropriate level, and in a format that suits your learning preferences.  

Looking for an audio resource on presentation tips before a big speech? Want a video breaking down a complex strategy tool as you plot next quarter's KPIs? Online self-directed learning empowers people to chart their own course and make learning work for them. 

Combine Activities 

Learning isn't all dense textbooks and PowerPoint karaoke. There are so many ways to learn – and you can even combine it with other activities. You can listen to a podcast while on your commute or out on a run (check out the excellent Mind Tools Expert Voices Podcast while you're at it), or you could watch a video while you do some ironing or while having a quick pause from your work tasks.

A word of caution here, though. Generally, it's good practice to focus on one thing at a time. We're healthily suspicious of multitasking here at Mind Tools, as the evidence suggests that the human brain can't really focus on more than one thing at a time. 

But still, we're all different, and you may find that certain activities combine well for you. And that's the beauty of on-the-go learning – how you learn is up to you.

Learning at Work Week

A final word from our subscriber Sanya Selak. She's a CEO at an Austrian company and a convert to the benefits of soft skills and self-directed workplace learning.

Referring to the impact she's seen it have on her people, she told us: "Skills such as managing conflict, giving balanced feedback, working well with others, making well-informed decisions… [they're] all extremely valuable in our everyday life."

And Sanya's seen how learning like this benefits people outside work, too. "These skills will also help them manage their private lives much better," she says.

So try to make learning a core part of your working week by prioritizing it, scheduling the time, using online resources, and (if possible) combining it with other activities.  

Meanwhile, join our mailing list to stay up to date with workplace learning and start your development journey.

Happy learning at work week! 

Useful Resources

Here's a curated list of Mind Tools resources, themed around learning at work (please keep in mind you may need to be a member of the Mind Tools Club to access certain resources):

Self-Directed Learning Video
8 Ways to Prioritize Your Professional Development
Effective Scheduling
To-Do Lists
Eisenhower's Urgent/Important Principle Infographic
Why Soft Skills Matter
Learning Styles
The Learning Zone Model
Learning Curves Video

About the Author:

Matthew has 10 years of experience writing, editing and commissioning online content. As a content editor, he's worked in several industries – including charity, culture and travel – before finding his calling in L&D at Mind Tools, where he creates accessible, timely and engaging content for learners, across resource types.

The post Learning at Work Week – Tips For Workplace Learning appeared first on Mind Tools.

That's why I suggested this series of blogs to help you plan your career journey, whether you're a current job seeker, an employee looking for a change or a step up, a future entrepreneur, or a student. 

This blog series on career journeys will coincide with three consecutive #MTtalk Twitter chats and Facebook Live events. And, if you're a Club member, we'll also be hosting exclusive #MTmasterclass videos on LinkedIn. (You can find further information about these at the end of this blog.)

Starting your career journey – Prepping your résumé

What are your key skills and strengths?

Before explaining your knowledge, skills, abilities, and interests to anyone, you'll need to identify what they are.  

Mind Tools has several resources to help you do this, including our personal SWOT analysis, our blog on "What's Your Life Plan? Balancing Dreams and Reality", and the Mind Tools Life Plan Workbook.

So get familiar with your own strengths and skills. Then use this information to define the following about yourself: 

• Talents 
• Interests 
• Knowledge 
• Skills 
• Abilities 
• Philosophy/Values 

Summarizing your work experience

A résumé is an organized snapshot of your career objectives, qualifications, skills, education, experience, and work history. Essentially, it should provide the hiring company details of what your career journey looks like so far, and demonstrate how well your skills and experience match up to the vacant position. Recruiters often request that résumés be limited to one or two pages, so be concise but informative. 

For quick and easy reference to your work experience so far, keep an up-to-date LinkedIn profile. Also, maintain an "at-a-glance" data file that contains key information for each of the jobs you've had, such as dates, titles, key responsibilities, accomplishments, company info, and key work contacts or former supervisors. 

Some jobs may require you to document your work experience in different formats. For example, if your background includes postgraduate work in the technical, educational, scientific, legal, and medical industries, companies might request a curriculum vitae (CV) instead. 

In my experience, a résumé is a shorter summary of your work that can be skimmed in 15-30 seconds, while a CV may include paragraphs to summarize your specialized work. Government entities and other organizations may also require you to fill out online or paper applications that are specific to them.

Résumé design

A résumé typically contains the following, regardless of format: 

• Name and contact information. 
• Career objective.
• Relevant job history (with job title, dates, company, city/state). 
• Key responsibilities and skills.
• Education level.
• Other information such as hobbies, activities, honors, and affiliations. 

How you format and design your résumé will depend on what information you want to highlight. What do you want the hiring company to know about you? 

Remember, the likelihood is you only have a few minutes to grab the recruiter's attention. So you need to design your résumé in a way that presents your work experience clearly and effectively. There are several résumé format styles you can use, but – in general – the three most popular are: 

• Chronological – best for consistent, relevant experience.
• Targeted – best for downplaying a limited job history of direct experience by spotlighting relevant, transferable skills and abilities instead.
• Functional – best for emphasizing related duties and responsibilities from multiple positions.

Because this is your résumé, choose a format or combination that highlights your strengths and represents you the best. Also, think about the roles that you're applying for and consider tailoring your résumé depending on the different skills and experience that each requires.

Finding the right career journey: Searching for Jobs

Now that your résumé is ready, the next obstacle on your career journey is to find the right job for you. But how do you know what will be a good fit and what won't? Where should you be looking? Where do you even start?

When it comes to doing a job search, your ultimate goal is to find a role that excites you, but that also meets your salary expectations. There are various places you can look, including:

• Company websites. 
• Newspapers.
• LinkedIn and recruitment websites.
• Networking/word of mouth.
• Campus career center or local economic development department.
• Executive search consultant/firm.
• Referrals.

You might find that there are thousands of jobs relevant to you and your industry out there. But, remember, you are the customer here. So consider some of the following to find the right fit for you:

• Determine your salary requirements and acceptable range based on your needs, and the industry average for the types of jobs you're applying for.
• Don't get hung up on titles. Instead, focus on the responsibilities. (For example, a coordinator at a large organization could have the same responsibilities as a manager at a small company.) 
• Learn about the company and compare how its corporate values measure up to yours. 
• Consider location. Where is the job? Are you open to relocation? 

Introducing yourself using a cover letter

Many recruiters ask job applicants to write a cover letter to go with their résumé. Essentially a cover letter is a personal letter that introduces you and your résumé to the recruiter. It's a chance for you to highlight the unique strengths and skills that you can bring to the role, and explain how you'd make the best fit.

To make sure your cover letter sends you to the top of the recruiter's pile, consider the following:

• Carefully read the job description and focus your letter on the key skills and attributes that it requires.
• Stick to between three to five paragraphs and no more! This could, for example, be structured as: an opening paragraph (the purpose of your letter); two to three paragraphs that promote your skills and that summarize why you'd be an asset to the company; and a closing paragraph (action and appreciation).
• Use a standard letter format but tailor the content of your cover letter for each position that you apply for.
• Use action-oriented language to bridge your experience with prospective duties. For example, "strategize," "build," "create," and "develop."
• If the recruiter didn't request items (such as headshot, samples, etc.), don't submit them. (Recruiters may receive dozens of attachments or pages for each vacancy, so these may simply go ignored if they are not necessary.)
• The recruiter should confirm receipt of your submission (via email, phone, or text message). 
• Don't assume the recruiter's preferred greeting titles. Ask for their preference before you begin writing.
• Look at a mix of job descriptions for the same position to understand how to tailor your language.
• Factor in any voluntary and other unpaid experience you've done to demonstrate transferable skills. 
• Save documents to a portable document format (PDF) to preserve your original formatting. (Several "free" PDF creation software tools are available online.) 

Let's continue the conversation about Career Journeys

We want to explore the different career journeys people have taken further. So we'll be hosting a number of exciting talks on our social channels to discover more. These will also be great opportunities to access the wonderful wealth of experience our coaches can offer you, as you navigate your own career journey.

We'll be hosting an #MTtalk on Career Journeys on Wednesday, May 10th @ 12 noon ET. Anyone can join! Simply follow us on Twitter, type #MTtalk in the Twitter search function and click on "Latest" – you'll then be able to follow the live chat feed. You can participate in the chat by using the hashtag #MTtalk in your responses.

On Thursday, May 11 at 11 a.m. ET members of our Career Community Facebook group will be able to join a 20-minute Facebook Live conversation and question session.

And, finally on Friday, May 12 we will release a short coaching video on our Mind Tools Coaching Hub on LinkedIn, which is exclusive to Mind Tools' Club members.

Resources: Explore more at Mind Tools...

If you want to delve further into some of the topics we've discussed, check out the following from Mind Tools. (Note that you will need to be a Mind Tools Club or Corporate member to see all of the resources in full.)

Finding Career Direction
Managing Your Career
Developing a Career Strategy
Writing a Résumé
Writing a Cover Letter

The post Your Career Journey Part 1: Résumé Prep and Job Searches appeared first on Mind Tools.

The accident was a disruption that led to a major life transition. Bruce Feiler, best-selling author of "Life Is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at Any Age," says that, on average, everyone goes through a life transition every 12 to 18 months.

Common life transitions include:

• being laid off or fired.
• having a serious accident.
• experiencing a health crisis. 
• working for a company that is being acquired. 
• getting a new job. 
• being promoted. 
• changing careers.
• moving to a different city. 
• getting married. 
• having a baby.
• going through a relationship breakup or divorce. 
• returning to school.
• losing a loved one.
• retiring.

Any of those sound familiar?

Experiencing a “Lifequake”

We get through most life transitions relatively quickly, but one in ten become what Feiler calls a "lifequake." He defines a lifequake as a massive change with stressful aftershocks that can last several years if we don't learn to master them.

After interviewing hundreds of people about their life transitions, Feiler found that, on average, we go through three to five lifequakes in our lifetime.

These life-changing events frequently involve a difficult loss, such as losing a source of income, access to childcare, or a loved one, to name a few. And in the aftermath of the pandemic, the entire world is going through a collective lifequake.

3 Ways to Master Life Transitions

Learning to deal with these disruptive life events is more critical than ever. If you are going through a life transition, here are three ways to help you navigate it.

1. Accepting that the "Linear Life" Is Over

Feiler's findings show that the idea of a neat, linear life path no longer holds true. A linear life is based on misguided expectations.

For example, we expect our careers will progress from a junior job to a mid-level job to a senior-level position to retirement. Some other misconceptions include believing that we will have one relationship, one home, and one source of happiness throughout our lives, from adolescence to old age.

Instead, we lead non-linear lives, which means we go through many life transitions, full of twists and turns and ups and downs. Transitions may seem like abnormal interruptions, but they are a regular and predictable part of life.  

Anticipating change helps us accept the end of predictability and prepares us to deal with whatever changes life brings. Being mentally prepared for change eliminates the element of surprise and allows us to move with greater ease from resistance to acceptance.

How Can You Prepare Yourself for a Non-Linear Life?

Let's take a current example. 

One of the latest work trends has been dubbed "career cushioning" (also known as "recession proofing"). The term describes the act of employees exploring other job options while still in their current role.

Whether or not you're concerned about a layoff, it pays to prepare for this potential disruption to your career. Some actions you could take now include: 

• refreshing your résumé. 
• updating your skills.
• nurturing your network.

2. Becoming Adept at Navigating the Three Phases of Life Transitions 

A big takeaway from Feiler's research is that all significant life transitions have a distinct structure. And it isn't always obvious to someone just entering a transition. 

According to Feiler, major life transitions have three phases:

1. The Long Goodbye: the period it takes to fully accept the change and say goodbye to the old you.  
2. The Messy Middle: the period when you start to evaluate new options. That’s when you replace old habits that no longer serve you with new ones that help you to move forward. 
3. The New Beginning: the period when you embark on a new path in your life. 

Being stuck in "the long goodbye" or "the messy middle" phases prevents us from moving on to the next chapter in our lives.

How Do You Leave the Past Behind?

Here's a quick example. A coaching client of mine – I'll call him Fred – was laid off from his job as a marketing manager. By the time Fred came to see me, he had already spent six months stuck in the long goodbye phase. He wasted a lot of time mourning his old life and what he had lost.

I asked him to note his weekly actions that are still connected to his old job. The list turned out to be an eye-opener for him. 

His activities included:  

• checking the social media accounts of the company that laid him off. 
• scouring the LinkedIn accounts of his ex-peers to see who else was laid off. 
• emailing his ex-direct reports under several pretexts. 
• regularly checking the company website to see if there were new hires on the marketing team.  
• asking several ex-colleagues to go to lunch with him and using the event as an opportunity to vent.

We agreed that he had to stop doing anything related to his former employment, no matter how small. All activities connected with his old job set him back emotionally, reinforced his resentment, and distracted him from moving on. He finally cut the corporate umbilical cord and moved on to the next phase of his life transition.

3. Managing Your Emotions 

Feiler writes that fear, sadness and shame are the top three emotions we most likely feel during a transition.  

I have found over the years that shame is a strong emotion that few people want to discuss. Consequently, the feeling of shame can intensify, linger and prolong recovery from a difficult life transition. 

Consider the example of my coaching client, Melissa (not her real name.) Melissa found it difficult to cope with being fired from her job. After several coaching sessions, she admitted to feelings of shame. "I am ashamed," she said to me, barely holding back tears. "People will think that I didn't do a good job."  

I worked with her to uncover evidence that warranted her feelings of shame. Here are some of the questions we went through: 

• Are your feelings of shame justifiable?
• What scripts are you carrying in your head?
• What hard evidence do you have to validate the thought that "people will think I didn't do a good job?"
• What is the evidence against this thought?

In the end, there was no evidence to justify her feelings of shame because her concerns were objectively baseless. Given her high level of competence, she concluded that anyone who worked closely with her would know the caliber of her work.

This exploration was a turning point in helping her to process her feelings of shame and to move on.  

How Can You Overcome Feelings of Shame? 

To get over feelings of shame, it pays to consider these pointers:  

• Pay attention to the harm that feelings of shame may cause you. Research shows that low self-esteem and depression can arise from shame. For Melissa, staying stuck in a loop of unproductive thoughts about her dismissal exacerbated the situation and made her unhappy and lethargic. For example, she often canceled her exercise class and watched TV instead.
• Catch yourself when thoughts of shame start to creep in. Ask yourself: am I allowing my emotions to hijack my logical brain?
• Reframe your thoughts around the situation, so that they are either realistic or at least neutral. 
• Share your feelings with trusted others. Melissa found an accountability partner – a trusted friend – with whom she spoke once weekly. Together, they sought ways to quiet her ruminations and focus instead on the future. 

Taking Control of Life Transitions

Ultimately, we can manage our inevitable life transitions and not let them negatively influence us in the long term. We can interpret whatever we lost as devastating and allow anger, sadness, fear, and resentment to consume us. Or we can use the loss as an opportunity to gain insight and wisdom, to keep moving on, and to write the next chapter in our life.

That's what I did after my accident.

About the Author:

Bruna is an educator, author and speaker specializing in emotional intelligence, leadership, communication, and presentation-skills training.

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